wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
