if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
did you just send me my own nude
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
