I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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