I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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