So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
stop calling my apartment porn island.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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