there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
