You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
