i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
