Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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