He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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