I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
