Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
