I think I just saw someone hide a body.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
