i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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