Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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