I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she told me i tasted like america
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
