This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
