there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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