adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
