guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
