made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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