Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
