my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
