last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
