She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
