dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
