Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
