Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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