I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
