i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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