How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
