Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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