apparently the secret to your success is patron
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
