that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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