So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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