Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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