my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
