I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
