Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
