I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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