There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
