i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
