that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
