If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
