Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
