i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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