shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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