you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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