The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
