do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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