My underwear smells like fireworks.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
