I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The air was thick with penises
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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