Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
